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4.2 ★★★★★
Based on 438 reviews
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★★★★★ 5
Helped my marriage
First I must say I REALLY enjoyed this book. Me and my husband both. I heard about this book on Moody radio and decided to give it a try because I wanted a better marriage with less fighting and disagreements. I am soo happy I did. This book was right on point for me and my husband. I read it first, then got the audio version for him to listen to, which he did 4 times. It really gave me great insight into my self and my husband. It helped me to understand how to best express my love to my husband in the way he wants and understands most, and he was able to do the same for me. This hasn't been a cure all, but it helps to understand each other much more than we ever have before and we have been together for 18 years.
The book is very well written, its an easy read and you should are able to get through it quickly. The change comes with investing time to apply the principles you have learned. I personally had to go through the material more than once to really let it sink it. This has been a small financial but HUGE emotional investment in one of my most important relationships. The knowledge in this book has really help my husband (his words) to better navigate personal relationships, not just with me, as it is intended, but also with his sister, friends and even stranger. I have found I can use this information is so many interactions and encounters with people throughout the day, it really opens you up to a new perspective. Gary Chapman did a great job explaining the details of the love languages. Anytime in conversation with someone complaining of relationship or even just communication issues I make sure to recommend this book. Can't say enough good things about it and we plan on checking out his other books as well.
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Reviewed in the United States on June 12, 2016
★★★★★ 5
This saved my marriage
Really, it did. Simple and profound, a quick read. We all want to express love in the form that we want it for ourselves which is a recipe for disaster and completely arbitrary for your partner however well meaning that is. My wife kept saying that she didn't feel loved in spite of my significant attempts.... Now I know why. For instance saying "I love you" had absolutely no impact on her because her "words of affirmation" category is zero (absent). But she has a high need for physical touch (hooray for me because that is a big match). That insight lead to further research into tantric sex and now I'm having the best sex of my life and more frequently than when we were younger (amazing on both counts). The key was finally understanding what she needed so that she could feel "filled up" In the customized way that she needed.
The examples are a bit dated, but still conceptually valid. For her the "acts of service" wasn't washing the dishes, but acts of targeted thoughtfulness that took some time to properly distinguish. I took it on to do something appropriately thoughtful for her every single day since she tested high in that category.... That was a grand slam home run over time.
We also took a course in the enneagram (highly insightful personality typing) about the same time that dovetailed nicely. She was a type 2 that wants to make everyone around her happy, everyone except herself of course; she gives and gives until she is depleted and then becomes resentful. For her to be able to state what she wants and needs remains a huge struggle for her but she expects me to just know... A paradox for sure, but now I understand that by keeping her "filled up" overcomes that sense of depletion. (The enneagram is also highly recommended to know yourself and those around you). She takes care of those round her and she needed someone to do that for her; a huge insight.
The punch line is that I now get back what I need with a new passion that feels more like an ongoing honeymoon. Priceless. ;-)
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Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2014
★★★★★ 4
As of July 2012 - 92% 4 & 5 star reviews
As of the time I am writing this review 368 out of 398 reviewers gave this book a 4 or 5 star rating - that's 92% "I liked it" and "I loved it" ratings. With these many positive reviews there are some critical reviews as well that are worth reading to get a balanced overall review - there may actually be more (and likely are more) than 5 love languages or categories. The author has a significant amount of knowledge and experience regarding married couples and it is certainly worth considering his input. What will make the information in this book the most beneficial is incorporating it with personal experience, and this subject will likely be a "work in progress" project with a focus on getting better everyday to result in a lasting, happy, and fulfilling marital arrangement.
My favorite review is "Learning to Speak, December 23, 2010" where the reviewer's review could have been a superb foreword for this book. May I suggest reading it as in my opinion it is brief, clear, and simple. If you have time consider reading the other reviews and comments too.
Of course, some may not agree or totally agree with this book's author; however, the subject of marriage is simple, yet complexed - and even compounding at times.
In my opinion this is one of the better books on this subject. There is some good material here making it worth considering reading it.
This book did stimulate my thinking on the different viewpoints in marriage and if you'd like to read my comments on this marriage subject contine, if not please feel free to move on. I am just hoping that some of these thoughts may help some considering marriage or who are already married.
Some believe that men and women basically use different parts of their brains. Often heard are: "The left brain thinks, the right brain feels." "The left brain analyzes, the right brain intuits." "The left brain is logical, the right brain is emotional." Likely, our thinking, feeling, and loving are more complex than these simple statements; yet, at least on occasion (likely more often) men and women think and feel differently and express themselves differently - the author of this book identifies, categorizes, and classifies love into five languages. I would add one additional language, which is the ability to sincerely and promptly say "I'm sorry" from one's heart. From my 45+ years of marriage and from what I have learned from many others, a successful, lasting, and happy marriage involves two great forgivers and apologizers. In my three and a half decades of managing people I have found that those who never or almost never say "I'm sorry" have difficulties with their working and personal relationships.
A husband and a wife differ to varying degrees about how they both think and feel about things, and this is in harmony with how the Creator said regarding Adam that He was going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him (not an identical twin of him - she was made different in a good way). A complement completes, perhaps making something just right. A husband and wife will benefit from loving each other, especially as the other person wants and needs to be loved.
Couple this with deep respect and you hold the two keys to a successful, lasting, and happy marriage and family life - Love and Respect.
Hopefully adding this thought will help your loving and respectful marriage grow more each and every day: "I love you more today than yesterday, but only half as much as tomorrow."
And one additional thought: "It is more beneficial for me to be respectful and loving in all that I do, than for me to be loved (something I very much want)."
Every marriage has the potential to be successful, lasting, and happy, especially using the two keys of "Love" and "Respect." Your marriage can be a most precious, valuable, and wonderful gift by using these two keys with sincerity and heartfelt caring; and, never let pride, the childish silent treatment, or other unloving disrespectful traits mar your treasured marriage!
A good "PRIDE" antidote expressed before the end of the day: "I'm sorry - I was mistaken - How can I make it up to you? - I'll do my best to be better - Will you please forgive me?"
A good "CHILDISH SILENT TREATMENT" antidote as soon as possible: Rescue the loving, caring, and respect adult within you. "Whining" and "I won't talk to you" are childish - they rarely worked in childhood and have no place among true adults. "Scolding" and "Lecturing" is easily blocked out. The best communications are loving, caring, and respectful adult expressions coupled with a big dose of attentive listening and understanding.
In ballroom dancing it has been said that "it takes two to tango," and "it takes one to lead." Many have found a successful, permanent, and happy marriage includes three - the loving husband, the respectful wife, and the Creator and Author of marriage (who perfectly knows what's best).
A good question to ask yourself at the beginning of each day: "What will I do today that shows I both love and respect my spouse?" TIP: While certainly one positive act or action daily is a good start, many are even better and will bring more benefits.
ADDITIONAL BENEFICIAL READING: "One Minute for Myself [Yourself]: How to Manage Your Most Valuable Asset" by Spencer Johnson, MD - while it is good to have a great relationship with your spouse; it is essential to have a good relationship with yourself, especially if your goal is to love your neighbor as yourself. Keep in mind if this is one of your goals that your closest neighbor is your spouse. Good relationships with ourselves and others I believe is what our true success in life is all about. My thought is that one needs a good relationship with oneself first in order to have good relationships with others - and it is wise to pursue "self-respect" by being respectful of yourself and all others. I like the thought of "self-respect" rather than "self-esteem" because it is easily possible to think too much of oneself; better to just focus on being respectful, caring, loving, and having proper self-respect.
ADDENDUM: One of best ways to tell your spouse "I Love You" is to say "I love you just the way you are." The principle here is if you want to be accepted in any relationship you should give your acceptance first. How many of us really want someone to relentlessly badger us to change this or change that about ourselves. Change in itself can be difficult, but that is another subject to consider.
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Reviewed in the United States on July 11, 2012
★★★★★ 5
A Way to Divorce Proof Your Marriage
"The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love." Statements like this and many others are the treasures that fill this book. This book is a must read for anyone who is married or even considering it. It is full of real life accounts from people who had problems in their marriage, but eventually overcame them. These stories give not only ideas on what to do, but inspiration and desire to build a strong marriage. The 5 Love Languages are something Gary Chapman came up with after years of marriage counseling. He didn't come up with these out of thin air, he had so many experiences with relationships and discovered common love patterns among spouses. He concludes that there are 5 different languages of love that people speak. A love language is the way a person feels love from another. That could be through acts of service, or physical touch. Discovering the way your spouse feels love will save a relationship. I thought to myself, "Ok, the 5 love languages are listed on the back cover; what's the point of reading it now?" But after reading in depth about each love language my eyes have been opened on exactly what I must do to accommodate my wife's love language. The book gives so many examples; at least one of them is sure to be your case. If you didn't realize what you were doing wrong, the examples will spark that within you. I took notes and underlined many passages. At the end of each chapter he asks an open ended question to make you think about how you can apply what was discussed. This book is the service manual for any marriage. Study and apply what you read and I can assure you a full "love tank" leading to a better marriage.
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Reviewed in the United States on July 13, 2013
★★★★★ 5
Life changing advice that is simple to apply
When discussing building relationship skills with a therapist several years ago (and it is a skill, make no mistake), she recommended this book as providing a useful framework for thinking about loving relationships of all kinds — romantic, familial, even friends. Several years later, I can honestly say it has permanently changed the way I think about these relationships.
The premise, as you probably know, is that people have one of five native love languages — words, gifts, touch, acts of service, or quality time. It's a remarkably robust idea. It's so simple and clear that I instantly recognized the love languages in my current relationships, and even achieved a much greater understanding of some past conflicts by thinking of them in this new context.
For example, I realized while reading that my mother is 100% on the "acts of service" side. While she almost never gets sentimental, she shows love by doing all she can to help people out in any way possible — even ways that seem completely trivial. And I realized how much more hurtful it can be if I take these acts for granted, since these are her little expressions of love. It explained a lot.
I also realized that my partner uses "words of affirmation," which had been a source of minor conflict for us, as that's probably my least used love language. It turns out that he was a little hurt whenever I'd hang up the phone without saying "I love you." I've now taught myself to say it every time, and he's noticeably happier about it — or as Chapman would say, his tank is fuller.
After I read this book and held onto it for a while, I gave it to my sister. She read it, and we had a great discussion about the relationships in our lives. Chapman has really hit on something perfect with this little book — a simple theory that's easy to remember, remarkably accurate, and most importantly, instantly practical.
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Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2015
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